London (2012)

by Apologies, I Have None

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released 19 March 2012

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Track Name: 60 Miles
To draw a line under it, all the bitterness, means letting go and forever forgetting it. Because I spent all my nights awake, stuck in the same place, finding out in the hardest way that nothing worthwhile comes easily. This isn't the easiest way to do anything, to pull up roots that are buried deep but it'd be alright as long as the slate's clean. And I can't blame problems on concrete, failings on the buildings around me, so I'll take it all to the city. We all have bad habits, like we all act as addicts when there's something we want and we don't stop until we have it. Yeah I get mad at shit when it doesn't go my way, but I'm finally learning you can't always do things the easy way. This isn't the easiest way to do anything, to pull up roots that are buried deep but it'd be alright as long as the slate's clean. And I can't blame problems on concrete, failings on the buildings around me, so I'll take it all to the city.
Track Name: Sat In Vicky Park
Give me east London summer, give me under the radar and I'm done. My name is no longer low level worker I'm gone. I'm gone where bank accounts have no weight, where the 26 takes me all the way past landlords and managers, where i only move in straight lines forward now. I only move in straight lines forward now. And I'm taking this lesson with me - the worst mistake to make is to be afraid to make mistakes - I can't believe this took so long to learn, it should be so obvious. Like a man cannot be measured by the number of people he's fucked, like numbers on a payslip are no indication of worth.

My relationship with reality, it comes and goes and we rarely see eye to eye.

(The last line is by a band called Grade, from the song Triumph and Tragedy)
Track Name: Clapton Pond
Clapton let out its last breath and eases to morning light, and our shattered voices echo and carry like sirens. Tonight I'm leaning on every word that you've been saying and it's been holding me up all along. All the sidesteps and the silences they would all be worth it in the end and every step we have taken wouldn't need to be doubled up again. It's always like this, things they fall apart when we just can't let go. I'm not looking for familiarity or routine, just a little consistency and for every problem, every mistake, every regret and every headache to leave it all behind somehow. Paranoia and anxiety are not on my side, they never were. I thought I had all this figured out, so this is progress towards perfection. This is progress towards perfection.
Track Name: Concrete Feet
Sat in Vicky Park, let it all out, to a bottle, on a bench. He said "This city is a criminal, a highwayman, a thief. It stole my perseverance, made off with my mental health, dumped me off of Tower Bridge with concrete on my feet and I'm struggling. I'm looking for some guidance, can you spare an ounce of strength so I can take this fucking sorry arse of mine back home to bed?" and the bottle, it said, "Everybody makes decisions they regret sometimes, everyone makes certain judgments based on plans that never seem to find their way to a conclusion. They change tack and double back on promises they made to themselves. But you won't find the answers at the bottle of a bottle, cheap cider never paved the way for any kind of progress to be made but for what its worth there's one thing that I know; You've got to let some parts die to let other parts grow." You'll always make mistakes, you'll always fuck shit up. You'll sometimes make bad choices and blame that shit on bad luck. You will often face decisions that you do not want to make and find your self on paths that you did not mean to take. There is always an answer, there is always a lesson, a lining of silver about every situation and asking for help is not the same thing as failing.
Track Name: Still Sitting Tight
It's all I can do to pull myself together but we just fall back in. Nothing ever changed and you just can't put a line under this. It’s so hard to start again when you put so much in the first time, but we just do it and it's alright because we've got the boot packed up tonight. My fingers itch and my heart holds steady, there’s so much to connect and that’s why it feels impossible to rest but it's alright because we've got the boot packed up tonight.
Track Name: Holloway Or Anywhere
If this whole thing should fall apart, you know I'll still be here. And the city may sleep sound tonight but our hearts are pounding loud and clear. Yearning for that feeling, to know that we're not standing down, no we're not kneeling. Just you and I in this cold bitter air, I can't think of anything more sincere. This could be any day, this could be anywhere. I wish it was any day, I wish we were anywhere but here. And I can feel it all, heavy, simplicity slipping away. And they bury me, one by one, the problems that we keep letting in again. We danced with them until the sound of laughter ended. This could be any day, this could be anywhere. I wish it was any day, I wish we were anywhere but here.
Track Name: The 26
This could have been avoided; it could have been kept at bay. But tables turn and lessons some can only be learned through punishments for past mistakes. Back on level ground, will we ever find ourselves again? Past thoughts of giving up once bottled till they erupt, once buried and covered, hidden and smothered are gone just like the past few years in a city that magnified our fears and made it far to easy to blame London than it was to fault myself. A weak man beaten sat at bus stops freezing. On the way home, 26 to Cassland Road, but she doesn't want to get off there, no she doesn't to stop there. She doesn't want to go where tired lines repeat themselves, I love you's don't mean shit right now. Shutting down. Fuck you, London. I'm out. Well I still act blind, I still have violent thoughts at times. I still tend to oversimplify certain situations like the time she told me that she fucked him and I thought - I can't believe this, did she not know that I loved her? I'm going to smash this bitches face in, find the cunt and stab the fucker. Someone's going to die tonight. - But you know that it's not right to punish her when you couldn't ever say that you never did play your part, you never did shit that you shouldn't, that you never did things that you said that you wouldn't, you never said shit that you wish that you hadn't now.
Track Name: Joiners And Windmills
I can hear it all from outside, the choked up sounds of another night. I'm breathing deep through clenched teeth, watching my steps carefully. These concrete slabs and kurb cuts are looking more familiar by now and the words escape me, I can't drag them up to say "I'm sorry". There's no excuses. We had such high hopes but it's always difficult to keep everything balanced, to not leave anything behind. It's so hard to fall apart when there's nowhere you'd rather land, so this is it: the choices that we made, like not giving up just yet. I'm not giving up. Sometimes what it takes is to listen to what you say and try to hear it, to try to feel it.
Track Name: Foundations
"Is everybody coming undone?" She asks me with a straight face and sometimes its hard to tell the truth when all I know is that we're all just trying to stay afloat. That's the way it is, that's just the way it is. It feels like I've got to get away, like there's got to be a better way because when you've got to get out, you've got to get out. Promises where I swear that I am fine are getting harder to keep, they're getting harder to believe. I should be old enough by now to stop pulling at my hair and tearing at my skin, but we're so young. It feels like we're so young. The cranes hang quietly tonight, as if to remind us that this is home and that this is how we live now, with no back-up plan or way out. From here I can see it all, every false step that I made and how I let it chip away at the foundations that I am set upon, as I stood by again. But we are nothing without resilience because we are all tied up in our own ways. Worst come to worst, failing everything, we pick up the broken pieces and put them all back together again. "Is everybody coming undone?" She asks me with a straight face and sometimes its hard to tell the truth when all I know is that we're all just trying to stay afloat. We'll stay afloat.
Track Name: Long Gone
If you need it, I can bear the weight a while, I can carry you. We can take the worst part, tear it down and cut it up, bury the pieces and mark the spot; I will carry you to a destination far from there. And if thats what it takes, my shoulders and my legs to break, my back to bend and my hands to shake, I will carry you. When memories of past events get tangled up inside your head with certain thoughts that you can't suppress, I will carry you to a destination far from there. Long gone.